[Gpdd] Rainbow Bridge - SNOWDROP

[juliejohnson12 at bigpond.com]

It is now 2 weeks, 2 days and 4  hours and 15 minutes since I had to let
Snowdrop go to the Rainbow Bridge.    I find myself in no better state than when
I had the deed done, except that time has gone by.  I am so much pain and grief and I’m a lost
and broken person but unlike Humpty Dumpty, I can never be put back together
again.  I’m a mess.  My mind is filled with Snowdrop, everything I
do is done without thinking what I’m doing, just of Snowdrop.   It seems so much longer since I lost him,
because there has been so much sadness in the house.   My mother adores Snowdrop as well, and knows
how badly I am suffering, but she is more practical, she tries to tell me the
little soul is out of pain, there’s nothing more I can do for Snowy, and to put
my attentions to my other 4 piggies.   
That goes without saying.    My 4
boys are so very precious to me, and I naturally am giving very much more of my
attention to ensure they are okay.

 

Kimba I know was grieving, but I can see him becoming more
attached to me, and even in his near blindness, he knows my smell and voice,
and I find him reaching up to me for attention – something he didn’t do before
very much.   So, I think he is now
finding comfort in our different daily routine.    I now put my 4 boys into separate cages,
all together in a square on a table, and they socialise and are warmer that way
as our nights are getting very cold now. 
During the day I put them into individual cages which are very long –
meant for at least 2 piggies per cage.  
They are still separate, but it gives them a longer run, and they enjoy
basking in the sunshine I put them into.  
I am constantly going out to piggyplace and ensuring the sun isn’t too
bright on their eyes and move their cages around accordingly.     They are now my life.

 

I previously had written tnot that long back that Snowdrop
had one day caught almost like asthma, he was breathing very hard and noisily,
and his eyes were very sick.    I thought
back then I was going to lose him, but I put him straight on to Baytril, kept him
very warm, used Critical Care, hydrated him, used gripe water, steamed him, and
prayed.  The next day he was back to
normal, as if nothing had ever happened.    
I stopped the Baytril after only a couple of days because of my fears of
using antibiotics for too long and doing to him what I did to Sooty –
antibiotic toxicity and ruining his gut.  
I kept very close eye on Snowdrop, and was well pleased.

 

After the serious problems with Sooty and his bleeding from
the bowel about a month earlier (I think it was less), I said to Mum – God has
given me another miracle in Snowy.

 

Then about a week later I was not that pleased, so back on
to Baytril for 7 days, then stopped.   I
watched Snowdrop like a hawk; I was never far from his cage.    I did not like the look in his eyes and
continuously was worrying, and very fearful.  
I actually said back then I think I’m going to lose my boy over this,
but he continued on.  However, 2 weeks
and 2 days ago I noticed he was breathing like I do, as if with bad asthma.    He was spending a lot of time out of his
tent within his cage, lying against the end of the cage, right beside Kimba who
was in the same position just in his own cage.

 

Snowdrop’s poos had turned a bit too very soft, and I
thought perhaps he had reached that age where he needed to have his little
bummy cleaned from impaction, and of course continued with probiotics against
the antibiotics.    But, one day the poo
just kept coming, almost like his body was ridding itself of everything before
he died.  (Even then, though I did not
voice it to myself or anyone else, I had a terrifying feeling regarding his
health and his life).  He was not eating
as much, but we had such an incredible and unbreakable bond that he would
always eat whatever I handed him, so that’s what I did, and he ate it all
fine.   He’s always preferred the pellets
and grass more than veges anyway. 

 

His strained breathing continued, and I noticed once after
giving him probiotics and critical care that he actually could not hold his
head up, he just laid it against the piggy lounge because he was having trouble
breathing.   I put him back on
Baytril.   Then I noticed when in his
cage and lying near to Kimba he had his nose dropped to the towel I use over
the recycled paper pellets to give them comfort, which obviously showed trouble
breathing.    I took him to bed, and we
shared a nebuliser, which seemed to give him some relief.    Also, I did hear him making grinding, sort
of squeaking noises with his teeth which he’d filed to a point because all the
piggies chew against the protected wires to try to get to the other
piggies.  

 

Then on 4 June, I was listening to him grinding, and I
thought maybe I’d better just cut the very edges off his teeth to take the
points off.   I took him to Mum to hold,
and it was then that I noticed his nose and lips were blue, and not pink, and I
thought of cardiac failure causing his breathing probs and was straight to the
vet.

 

He was struggling breathing, and it hurt me so much to see
him like that.   His temperatures was
actually low (37 °), the vet said he was cold.  
She said put him on hot water bottle (I had done all that).    I said I wanted an x-ray done.   She did so. 
Then it was into the consulting room for bad news.    Even thought I rushed to the vet, this was
unexpected.   I just thought God’s on my
side, he’ll end up alright.    I was not
prepared to be told that Snowy had a massive lung mass, therefore lung
cancer.   It had taken over nearly the
whole of his left lunch (just the very barest of the base not yet invaded), and
it was invading the right lung, about to half way down.    Even
when the vet used the oxygen sats machine, Snowdrop did not register any oxygen
at all.

 

Naturally I collapsed in the surgery and screamed the place
down.   The vet, being concerned with all
welfare of animals, did not want me to take Snowdrop home because he was
obviously struggling, and therefore in pain.  
But she knew how much I loved him, and how I would want one more night
with him but she said he must come back early next morning – and she knew I
would do so.  However, after I spoke with
my sensible mum, she pointed out I would have to suffer the pain and emotions I
was suffering myself then, and how hard it would be for me to have to take him
back to the vet next morning.   I
appreciated that advice, oh, but that meant I would be goind home with a dead
piggy.   

 

I loved, adored, worshipped, lived for Snowdrop, and was not
prepared for him to suffer any more.   
But I did spend about an hour just holding my dearest love, my best
friend, in the safely of his mummy’s arms, and he was comforted.   My sister asked for a cuddle, but he could
not settle, he wanted mummy.  And mummy
wanted him and still does.   I want my
Snowdrop so much, I’d gladly sell whatever soul I have left after he left; he
took so much of my heart & soul with him.  
A couple of times he struggled and I thought he was going to the bridge
on his own.   I was scared of his pain,
so I called the vet to do the deed.   She
diluted Beuthanasia, and whilst I held Snowdrop in the crook of my neck, his
favourite position, she managed to inject him in the abdomen.   However, I will say this hurt him, he did
struggle, but there was no crying or squeaking.   It took him at least 15 minutes to die.  He lay comfortably in my arms until his last
gasp, and then he left me.   And my soul
left me, and I broke.  I live with the
fear of whether he should have died or could something have been done.  He had obviously getting no oxygen in,
because a few hours after he died, the colour of his lips, eyes, nose, etc had
not changed.    They were the same colour
as when I took him to the vet – blue.  I
question was it pneumonia and curable.  
But I have to be honest to myself that his eyes had looked unwell for
quite a few months and I had to be honest with myself and with Snowy.

 

I cannot believe or accept what has happened, even though I
had been having thoughts that my nightmare was going to come true. My biggest fear is that I put him to sleep when he didn't need to be.  Could he have had pneumonia that causes the look of a massive lung mass?  Please don't anyone tell me I might have killed him unnecessarily.

 

However, after each major session of despair and crying, I
know I have 4 more babies to care for, and so I must keep going and will not
let them feel my loss.  I am especially
attentive to Sooty, who continues to struggle with diarrhoea and slop.   I tried a few days of Batyril, and believe
it or not, he started to form pellets.  
But I can’t leave him on 0.2ml Baytril daily for ever can I?  He loves food, and is desperate waiting for
his veges and grass..

 

And, then Kimba is another matter.   I will write separately re Kimba.   He’s much more complicated, and I’m not best
pleased with him either.  I know what his
problem is, it’s not pea eye, and he is nearly fully blind.  I’ll write about him some time soon.  But whatever he has, I will not KILL Kimba.

 

At the moment, I feel like I’m going to one day in the not
too distant future I will end up an orphan.   
And then my whole purpose of being here, on this earth, will be
finished.  I cannot love any more guinea pigs;
I cannot survive any more pain or suffering when I lose them.    They have been my life, but when I lose
them all, I will then be lifeless.

 

I know I am desolate, inconsolable, unbelieving, lost and
broken.  Snowdrop was a very special,
precious boy, and I was so very lucky that we shared such a love together, a
love that only GPDD’ers will relate to, Snowy only being a guinea pig.

 

I thank you to my friends from the Group who have emailed
condolences, and will write re Kimba and Sooty again in a few more days.

 

(AND, to add pain on top of pain, I had purchased a 2nd
hand Microsoft Professional 2007 which I believed to be an original, but it was
a copy.    When I opened PowerPoint to
beging making my tribute to Snowdrop, I started some virus going and I lost the
use of that computer, photos that were there, but more importantly I also lost
my external drive with 16,000 photos naturally with all my precious piggy
photos on it – 16,000 photos to be exact. 
So my laptop failed,.

 

If have had contact with the computer repairer, so he has
fixed the computer,  it took a week to
fix it, but my external hard drive is not yet fixed, and may not be fixable.
Luckily I last backed up on 18 May so maybe the computer is fixed the rest of
my Snowy photos might be there as well. 

 

I apologise for the length of the message, but it is my way
of writing a tribute to Snowdrop my beloved, as well as helping with my  record of what happened.

 

I googled lung cancer in guinea pigs, it said it was quite
common and only shows it’s evil face when a piggy is around 4 or 5 years.   Even thought it is common, because people
with healthy aged pets, it’s not something one does – take a healthy piggy to
the vet for an xray of his chest.

 

I will be putting a lot of photos on photoucket as a way to ensure   Not sure,
I’m exhausted after working like  navvy
to take my mind off my beloved.  

 

 

Julie & Kimba, Sooty, Hugo and Treacle

In memory of Muppet, Teddy, Toby, Angus, Archie, Dougal,
Brandy, Wheeky, Donald, Hamish, Honey, Joey, and Snowdrop.